When I first started my mindfulness practice, I realized how judgmental I was of myself. This idea of practicing non-judgment was new to me, and I came face to face with my inner critic. My mind wandered, and I judged myself for my mind wandering. But the truth is that it’s normal for our minds to wander. In fact, research says that our minds wander 50% of the time. That means we are missing out on half of our lives!
Mindfulness is not just about paying attention, but it is about how we pay attention. That is where self-compassion comes in. It was only when I began to adopt an attitude of curiosity and kindness that my perspective began to shift.
Self-compassion is treating ourselves like we would a close friend.
Offering ourselves the same understanding as we would another person. It involves bringing kindness to ourselves in the face of suffering.
Kristen Neff, a researcher in self-compassion at the University of Texas at Austin, describes self-compassion as the process of turning compassion inward. It is about adopting an attitude of kindness and understanding when we make mistakes. When we are kind and curious, we open ourselves up to the learning process. This compassionate approach enables us to learn from our mistakes rather than being harshly critical of ourselves.
3 Components of Self-compassion
1. Mindfulness
Mindfulness is the nonjudgmental moment-to-moment awareness of thoughts, sensations, and feelings. It enables us to recognize when we’re stressed or struggling without judging ourselves or overreacting. We must acknowledge our pain and see it clearly. It is about being open to the reality of the present moment and acknowledging our suffering without exaggerating it. This means neither ignoring the pain nor over-identifying with it. It allows us to see things clearly so that we may respond effectively. Mindfulness doesn’t change what is happening, but it changes our relationship to what is happening.
Mindfulness is a way of living.
When we practice it in our daily lives, it allows us to go from reacting to responding. Rather than resisting the way things are, we accept things for what they are so that we can move forward.
The practice of mindfulness widens our awareness so that we can see things clearly and respond effectively.
2. Self-Kindness
Practicing self-kindness is about being as caring towards ourselves as we are others.
It enables us to be supportive and understanding of ourselves when we’re having a hard time rather than chastising ourselves with harsh criticism.
It is about adopting an attitude of kindness and curiosity. When we are curious, we open ourselves up to the learning process. Self-compassion soothes the negative and helps us learn and grow in a positive way. Compassion invites us to learn from our mistakes. Shame shuts us down and keeps us from learning from failures.
Think of the example of a child learning to walk. We don’t judge a child for not being able to walk yet. What if we shamed the child and said something like, “What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you walk already?” We often can’t imagine saying something so harsh to a child who is learning to walk for the first time. Instead, we are encouraging. We watch them fall and encourage them to get back up again. What if we took that perspective with ourselves? What if we invited this compassion and openness to the process of learning into our mindfulness practice and ultimately into our lives? This self-compassion is the foundation of growth and learning.
Self-kindness paves the way to compassion for others.
3. Connectedness
Imperfection, suffering, and failure are part of the shared human experience. It means honoring and accepting human limitations and seeing imperfections as part of being human. Making mistakes and failing is part of the human condition. We all fall short of our ideals at times.
By recognizing our common humanity, we can begin to let our imperfections connect us rather than isolate us. How many times have we gone through a tough situation or made a mistake where we feel like we are the only person in the world suffering?
Connection reminds us that we are not alone in our suffering.
Instead, we remember that everyone makes mistakes and experiences difficulties at times. It’s part of what makes us human. Our imperfections connect us when we allow them.
Imagine a life in which you don’t have to be perfect to be worthy of love.
Become Your Own Best Friend
Action step: Replace your inner critic with an inner ally.
Ask yourself: How might I talk to a friend in this situation?
Journal Exercise: Think of a time situation that you are going through. Write a letter to yourself like you would talk to a friend. We are often more encouraging to a friend and harder on ourselves.
